NaNoWriMo is drawing to a steady close. I myself managed to win it on the 20th, which was also the day winning started. With another handful of quickly written words, I managed to surpass the 50k just before midnight; it was minutes away.
Unfortunately, I haven’t written a single creative word since. My discipline plummeted and along with it went my self-confidence. “My writing isn’t good.” the voice in my head said. “Why do you even keep doing this? It’s a waste of time. It’s not even good what you’re putting down.” Sadly, I listened to the voice.
All my fingernails got chewed away due to the stress and uncertainty that dwelled in me. These feelings are very unpleasant, I assure you. They came coupled with my inability to focus lately. Though often times creative endeavors were free from that wretched situation, now my writing is subject to it too. I can not concentrate in class unless I highly focus; which drains me completely. Even so, I still drift into thought very easily and without my own consent. It just… happens. Sadly, my writing now endures the same fate. The only relief here is that I still believe in the story itself, just not so much in my ability to write it.
Trying to find amusement is hard too. What little joys I retrieve are usually listening to audiobooks. I doubt I could keep my attention on a physical book and such an activity also exhausts me. So instead I curl up with a gorgeous fantasy book. It also gives me an excuse to hide in my home and to feel as if I am not present within the cruel world of today.
Now and then I become fearful of this world and what exists in it. Thinking about the cruelty within makes me sad and random or not-so-random events frighten me to the point of losing a large portion of my control. Anxiety, maybe? I haven’t gone to a doctor to talk about it since then the word would be out and it is not something I am proud of; likely understandably so.
I am also not a big fan of the season. It is getting cold and darkness is upon us at half past four, which is very early. Often times when I depart from school, I find myself enveloped in darkness with an interval of golden light now and then. It is not a pleasant sensation to be within the cloak of night but the year forces it upon me. It is also very cold so I don’t like to be out.
Without trying to worry too much, I have decided to throw myself head first into my schoolwork. If I can succeed there, then that is a form of proof to myself that there is worth in what I do—albeit worth to my own person and not to anyone else. But truly, that is the best kind of worthiness to obtain. And after all, I am the Trist who is Worthy so I ought to succeed.
Currently, I am a second-year student of International Business Management. Luckily, I still enjoy it a lot even though there are a few worries that dwindle within the depths of my mind; suppressed by more urgent matters. I am trying to uphold the mask of contentment and joy that I have always had and it is luckily not too hard because I don’t want to burden anyone with, well, with me. So that gives me enough of an excuse to smile to the world. Indeed, I will smile to fool even myself. For sometimes, hope is in giving yourself a delusion to follow. So why should not I follow such a thing?
Beyond the shallow depths of this delusion, there is the true me; with feelings and thoughts unspoken. I hint at them sometimes to a very select few friends. Luckily, I have gained the knowledge that they are steadfast in staying at my side and I appreciate that beyond what words can say. So for them; I can try to be better, if not for myself.
I know this is not the kind of posts I usually write but if not anywhere else, this is my place. I can be here what I wish to be; myself or a masked version of myself. So here I will lay down my heart for once and hope that it might remind other people that being flawed is normal. I am highly flawed as well. I have problems. I endure stressful situation. I am afraid of things. I can feel sad. I can feel lonely. And it is because I, like you, am human and it is normal to feel this way. Acknowledge it and try to grow. My heart goes out to those of you who are enduring situations of your own. Love is the ultimate weapon in life and even the most lonely can find it somewhere; from people and from one self.
Be strong and may destiny be kind to you.