Now, I don’t want to say that I am an expert on love (not one bit) nor that I am an avid movie watcher (not that either) but I have seen a few in my life and they taught me a few things about love that I am going to recount to all of you here.
(Note: this is mainly satire.)
You need to be attractive
Everyone in movies is attractive. If you want to be in the ballgame for love, you need to be a girl with big blue eyes and wavy blonde hair. As a man, tall dark and handsome is the way; with abs to boot.
Girls need to be snobby
When a guy comes up with you and makes a joke, you need to be very snobby. It will cause them to do effort and make more jokes. You will need to say rude things to him and eventually agree to go on a date with him. Hollywood has shown that success is guaranteed.
The men need to show up out of nowhere
Until that point of meeting her, you may have had a life, but no one cares about it until later. Just show up some day and do something unexpected, after which (as noted above) talk to a snobby girl and make funny remarks.
Girls should study journalism
Girls, the key to landing a soulmate is to study journalism. Get a job at a newspaper in New York. Constantly ask your boss for bigger things. He’ll ask you to get ‘that one story’. You’ll meet your guy along the way and also land that promotion.
Guys need to have an unexpected sensitive side
Contrary to what you might think, girls will dig it if you write poetry, sing her love songs in the middle of a rose garden, paint flowers or like to admire romantic artworks in a museum. You don’t need normal hobbies. Just do one of the above mentioned and you’re set for life.
Overly exaggerated gestures are what everyone wants
No one has ever been made uncomfortable by big speeches about love and the sun and the moon. No one has ever rolled their eyes when an entire band showed up so the man could tell his love in song (because only the men need to make this move). Definitely buy her ten million flowers and send them to her work. She won’t feel overwhelmed at all.
Make a huge mistake
Yes, I am advising you to make a huge mistake along the way; preferably while the other person has a large decision to make. Do they stay in New York or do they go to Los Angeles and get their dream job? What you need to do (guys especially) is do something stupid or make her misunderstand something that is very obvious. You can then get in a fight and you can chase after her. She’ll instantly forgive you and marry you in the next scene of your life.
Marriage is the goal
After all the hard work, you can get married to that special someone. Even if you have only been dating two weeks. Just propose to her and she’ll accept. You can have a big fancy wedding (while everyone wonders how you can afford that) and celebrate your two month old love. That’s the only goal. Once you’re married you’ve achieved the ultimate goal. It’s what every person in life wants.
Divorce won’t happen
If you follow all the other nine steps on the list, you won’t ever get divorced or be unhappy. All your troubles are gone and you will happily ever after. You found your soulmate, spent a few weeks dating and getting to know each other on the most shallow of levels and now you are married. The end
In my most sincere opinion, this is the most accurate image Hollywood has ever given us. Well done! Now excuse me while I go change my major to journalism…